Meet Snookels. A dear little cat who looks like a tabby and a calico mated and the results were inconclusive. Snookels is a deeply conscientiousness and disciplined cat. She believes there is a certain order to the universe that only she can maintain and humans are woefully unaware of. Her moral standards go past instinct and she has taken a solemn vow to preserve the cat standards and laws of life.
First rule of Catdom: Window dressings of any kind are inherently evil. The humans, completely unaware of the danger, actually invite this evil into their habitats. They must be combated daily if humans and cats are to survive.
Since it is impossible to permanently remove this evil, a good strategy is to daily stretch the window dressings with your claws and if necessary your teeth. This subdues the evil enough to protect all inhabitants.
Second Rule of Catdom: Furniture, especially couches, are a highly unstable and excitable bunch. Establish control.
The best way to do this is to dig your claws into them at least once a day to ensure their instability stays at a minimum. This will also sharpen your claws to enhance your ability to fight other evil.
If you fail to complete this task on a regular basis you never know what the excitable bunch might do when a stimulus like music enters the equation. They might even dance uncontrollably causing great destruction.
Third Rule of Catdom: Display dominance. It is vital that all in your territory know who is boss.
This is, of course, accomplished by putting on your most crazy expression to show you are not to be messed with. Then proceed to tear around the territory as fast as possible to terrify your enemies.
Fourth Rule of Catdom: Everything is much too dependent on cords. Remove this vice.
Best method: annihilate with teeth.
Fifth Rule of Catdom: Anything the size of a quarter should be batted at a few times. This will keep your evil fighting skills at their best.
Sixth Rule of Catdom: (Perhaps the most important) Meow every morning. This will help your humans wake up and be aware of your presence.
Seventh Rule of Catdom: If a visitor to your habitat is allergic to cats you must smother them with affection. It is illogical that anything could have a natural bad reaction to cats. Therefore, it is your duty to release them of their imagined allergy and cling to them until they are purged.
Eighth and Final Rule of Catdom: Be cute. Humans most likely will never understand your quest for vanquishing evil. They will often yell, wave their arms, spray you with water, or clap their hands in an effort to cease your brave actions. Avoid this by putting on your saddest expression and pretend to be sorry.
Following their outburst, make sure to wait until it looks like they are really busy and try to sit directly on what they are working on. Eventually their anger will subside.
